Archie Goodwin’s Blues

Seven steps up from West Thirty-Fifth
To an old brownstone
Whose bulky genius wouldn’t work at all
If I left him on his own

Hoisting himself out of that custom chair
Only exercise he’ll get
Elevator to his orchids fair
So he doesn’t break a sweat

If it wasn’t for my needling
He’d have nothing much to do
If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who

Inspector Cramer in the big red chair
Chews on his unlit cigar
He swears someday he’s gonna get us both
But we all know he won’t get far

Theodore up in the orchid room
Saul and Fred and Fritz and me
Jump through hoops to suit his every whim
Best you’ll hear is ‘satisfactory’

If it wasn’t for my needling
He’d have nothing much to do
If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who

Never leaves the house on business
Unless some flummery’s afoot
Maybe a meal upstairs at Rustermann’s
But he’d prefer to just stay put

So I go out with Lily Rowan
Flamingo lays out quite a spread
Back home a snack is always waiting
Big glass of milk and off to bed

If it wasn’t for my needling
He’d have nothing much to do
If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who

But disappointed out they go
He seems impervious to needling
Unless the bank account is low

But when he finally takes an interest
He sits and thinks and thinks and sits
Lips pushing in and out with eyes closed
About as active as he gets

If it wasn’t for my needling
He’d have nothing much to do
If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who

“Please sit down; eyes at a level”
“Will you have a beer with me?”
He doesn’t stand, he won’t shake hands
The author’s name his physiognomy

I’ve put up with this enfant terrible
Forty years and maybe more
And through ’em all I’ve quit so many times
I’d love to even up the score

If it wasn’t for my needling
He’d have nothing much to do
If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who

If there was no Archie Goodwin
There’d be no you-know-who