The Politest Pirate

The foamy salty sea has an attraction
For vagabonds and every sort of rogue
Whose only thought’s their selfish satisfaction
‘mongst pirates, bad manners are in vogue

But I’m here to tell the tale of the exception
About a man with manners through and through
He’d not resort to threats or vile deception
The politest pirate, Paddy McEldoo

He’d the fiercest crew the seas have ever seen,
And neatly piled doubloons down in the hold
He’d shout to quaking captains frightened green,
“If you’d be so good enough
Please give us all your gold”

His crew all thought him mad as a hatter
When he told them of his childhood raison d’être
His mother’s voice say’ng “Paddy, manners matter,
Manners get what rudeness doesn’t get ya”


Now it saddens me to have to tell you how
The politest pirate met his Waterloo
A crafty shipping merchant knew that now
’twas time to emulate the wise Sun Tzu

When Paddy spoke so mannerly once more
And let the merchant know what he should do
This crafty captain took the art of war
Saying “Please sir, I insist—after you!”

(a sigh, then, spoken)
“Neatly, men; neatly! A place for every doubloon, and every doubloon in its place.”